Fight In The Light

I’ve lain in this space for 5 years now. I’ve rested, explored, and created in here. The new life I have is beautiful, but I was broken when it found me.
Done with the bloody arena.
An audience watched me fall.
I saw a cove and crawled inside. I did not want to be seen or known. I wanted to float away. The pain of a shattered first marriage. The silent screams when people I loved walked away. One by one.
I tried to say goodbye as they fled. Church walls were no longer safe. The shame of how I betrayed my own life within this was too much.
How will I ever stand up? A numbness took over to protect what was left. Arms and legs and hands moved to love on my children. A mouth spoke and smiled. My body completing tasks to rebuild…even if only for them.
My mind remained in the cove.
He met me there.
The God who I was told, would also leave me. Walls did not confine him. Words from misguided hearts plead to STOP defining me.
I begged to break free from this unwanting. I was unwanted. By family and longtime friends.
Still wanted by my Creator?
A battered spirit fought to believe him in the cove.
I stepped out into the sunlight where hope formed. Atrophied heart muscles found strength in it’s warmth. I listened intently as days passed. Aching to know the one who had never abandoned me.
My story as you know, is one of beauty from ashes.
There are days I don’t speak of though friends. Ones where I fight old demons, words, and thoughts. They know just where to haunt in moments of weakness. They say that I am not good enough for the ones who raised me. I am not healed enough for my own children. I am too weak and too sick to create anything of value. I am afraid to love anyone well. I will fail. I will fail. I will fail.
Back into the cove I go. Where truth was once whispered. Salve for my soul.
Truth is now roared into my being. His voice.. much louder.
I remember who I am.
I do rise.
The haunted days are painful though dear ones. New life is not void of past trauma speaking lies. Hold fast in these times. Let your wounds be felt. Be gently held. I promise to hold fast as well. I am in a season where I need the cove. My healing cove. Where nothing is lost, but graciously found.

Much love
– Ahni Beth –